AuthorTopic: Joke & Riddle thread  (Read 14625 times)

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Offline Ashlee

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Joke & Riddle thread
« on: April 21 2006, 03:57 am »
Well, I was looking around. And I notice we have a quote thread, last song thread, and things like that. Why not have a topic on jokes that make you laugh. :lol: If this topic has already been done, you can just delete it.

EDIT
This is Now a Joke and Riddle Thread. Please follow the rule below for Riddles

New Rules
Ok, to make this fair for every one. Put your answers for the Riddles in a spoiler. It will be a much better way for views to read the riddles and not worry about seeing or reading the answer.

[spoiler ] put your answer here [/ spoiler]
*Remove the spaces in the spoiler
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll go first. My teacher sent this one to me. Its really funny.

First grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses...... ......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...... ......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...... ......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...... ......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...... ......how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...... ......looks dirty.
7. No news...... .......impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...... ......Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...... ......math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...... ......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...... ......me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...... ......pigs.
13. An idle mind is...... ......the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...... ......pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...... ......gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...... ......not much.
17. Two's company, three's...... ......the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...... ......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you cry and...... .....you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...... ......Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...... ......spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...... ......get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you...... ......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind...... ......get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one..........are you ready for this?

25. Better late than............ ............pregnant.

Do you have any funny jokes?
« Last Edit: May 12 2006, 12:00 am by Ashlee »
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Offline monkey

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: April 21 2006, 06:45 am »
hahha.. oh my god this one joke.. haha.. it's so.. haha.. funny it's... hahahaaha.... haha... it's, right.. hah.. it's... oh my god!! hahahahahaha.. sorry.. haha.. I tell it later.. hahaa... ... haha...
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Offline wingless_godess

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: April 21 2006, 08:16 am »
those are hilarious!!!....i was laughing for a while...my puppy looked up and started watching me..cause i was laughing so hard

i don't have so much as a joke but i have a website that has quotes that people have said...not knowing the stupidity of it or ironic-ness of it (not saying i haven't said tons of stupid stuff as well heh)

its pretty awsome and amusing http://rinkworks.com/said/    :rotfl:
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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: April 21 2006, 08:27 am »
lol, those are funny...
Umm...my jokes, my brother says it's more of sarcasim, but...

A taxi driver saw a guy driving all over the street, one day... He speeded up on the red light and slowed down on the green light...Then he drives in front of him and slams on the brake... The taxi driver, angry and upset, rolls down his window and yells
"Hey, where did you get your driver's license's from, Wal-mart?!" The man rolls down his window, and smiling, he says,
" Yep. 75% off"

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Offline wingless_godess

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: April 21 2006, 08:47 am »
haw haw thats awsome  :hehe:
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Offline Jeannette

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: April 21 2006, 08:50 am »
Here's a few of my favorite jokes:

A man wrote ten puns and sent them to his depressed friend to cheer him up. No pun in ten did.

What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: April 21 2006, 08:54 am »
haw haw the first was my favorite i got one but you kinda hafta say it out loud to get it

how do you fit an elephant on the subway?...take the s out of sub and then f out of way
(and then the person you tell it too will go "there's no F in way"
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Offline Ralea

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: April 21 2006, 09:40 am »
Well, I was looking around. And I notic we have a quote thread, last song thread, and things like that. Why not have a topic on jokes that make you laugh. :lol: If this topic has already been done, you can just delete it. I'll go first. My teacher sent this one to me. Its really funny.

First grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses...... ......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...... ......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...... ......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...... ......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...... ......how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...... ......looks dirty.
7. No news...... .......impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...... ......Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...... ......math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...... ......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...... ......me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...... ......pigs.
13. An idle mind is...... ......the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...... ......pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...... ......gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...... ......not much.
17. Two's company, three's...... ......the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...... ......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you cry and...... .....you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...... ......Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...... ......spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...... ......get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you...... ......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind...... ......get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one..........are you ready for this?

25. Better late than............ ............pregnant.

Do you have any funny jokes?

LOLZ, here's a few more. Again, from children trying hopelessly to look for answers.

Give one thing you learned in Geometry.
It teaches us to bisex angels.

Where was the declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.

Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?
The fattened pig.


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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: April 21 2006, 10:01 am »
Give one thing you learned in Geometry.
It teaches us to bisex angels.

Where was the declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.

Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?
The fattened pig.

That reminds me of something a child said on "Kids Say the Darndest Things with Bill Cosby"

Bill Cosby was showing some past episodes of "Art Linkletter's House party" where Art asked a little boy if he knew of the story of the wedding that didn't have wine in the Bible. The little boy said he did, and Art then asked the little boy if he knew the parabol to the story.

They boy said, "Yes, when you run out of wine, get on your knees and pray"

I found that so funny!

Offline kudan

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: April 21 2006, 10:29 pm »
What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
Oh, I saw this in Okamirei-chan's msn avatar before! I was wondering what will happen too... Maybe you are left with 1/4 of your life? Since 1 time 1/2 times 1/2 again is 1/4. :)
A couple of jokes I recieved from my friends through email...

Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island. The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the next island, which was inhabited. The first men was so determined to get home that he tried to swim. He made it 50 miles, got tired, and drowned. Then another man tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and he too drowned. The last man thought he could make it all the way, so he started
swimming. He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all the way back to the island.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to  concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." "So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"...

Once there was a train, which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks. Suddenly the train deviated from the tracks, went into the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. At the next railway station the driver was arrested. He was questioned why he went off and then came back on the tracks. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks who did not move even after blowing the horn, flashing the lights etc. The authorities questioned:" Are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger. You should have run that person over." The driver said:" That is exactly what I had decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train got real close."
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Offline Ashlee

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: April 21 2006, 11:52 pm »
:lol: here is one, its kind of old but its a bit funny

A guy walks into a bar on top of a ski skraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is constructed in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground.” The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'[/i]
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again. Now  the man  is astonished. So he walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you know, you are a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Also here a joke. It gave me a couple of laughs

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'll put some blonde jokes on later. I'm a blonde, so I heard them all. :lol:
« Last Edit: April 22 2006, 04:04 am by Ashlee »
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Offline Tenkuuken

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: April 22 2006, 07:38 am »
OMG I'm trying my best to read all of the jokes without breaking my chair to smithereens XD....
I think I'll look for my own jokes too.

EDIT: Here's one I got from my brother...

A little boy fawns over his pregnant mom:

Boy: Mom, I wonder what's inside your tummy?
Mom: Well, pretty soon you're going to have a new playmate. Can you guess who it is?
Boy: A new playmate? Then it's probably either a kitten or a puppy.
« Last Edit: April 22 2006, 08:57 pm by Tenkouken »

Offline Ashlee

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: April 29 2006, 12:10 am »
:lol: here are some of my favorite blonde jokes. And they are true, well they are true about me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
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Offline monkey

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: April 29 2006, 12:13 am »
:lol: here are some of my favorite blonde jokes. And they are true, well they are true about me.
Blondes do have more fun... But they also have more VD.
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Offline Ashlee

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: April 29 2006, 12:49 am »
Blondes do have more fun... But they also have more VD.
:lol: Very funny :P
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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #15 on: April 29 2006, 01:07 am »
Express the unlimited beauty, within the limited beauty. Beautifully.


Offline Ashlee

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #16 on: April 29 2006, 02:17 am »
Here is another joke. VexNet maybe you can post some. By the sounds of it, you have some good blonde jokes :lol: or any jokes.

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle." :hello2:
« Last Edit: April 29 2006, 02:56 am by Ashlee »
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Offline kudan

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #17 on: May 01 2006, 03:10 pm »
Just remembered some and I'm rephrasing them since I forgot where I heard them from...
Girl: Am I pretty or ugly?
Boy: I'm not so sure... But you look pretty ugly.

A lady carrying her bady boarded a bus. The driver looked at the baby and said:" That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Furious, the lady stomped to the back to the bus. A man saw her looking so upset, and asked her what happened. The lady replied:" The driver insulted me." The man said:" How dare he! I think you should go and demand an explaination from him. Here, let me take care of your monkey."
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Offline monkey

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: May 10 2006, 04:03 am »
one of my fav quick Bill Bailey jokes:

This joke is set in present day.
3 women go into a pub (yeah)
the first woman says "Hurrah, We've just colonised a male dominated joke format!"
The second woman says "eh, look at the arse on that one. Bring on the pints" she was a 90's woman, outspoken and strong.
The third woman says "Here look at my big tits"
The first woman says "ah, but it's a hollow victory, since it's still a bloke telling this joke"
Express the unlimited beauty, within the limited beauty. Beautifully.


Offline Ashlee

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Re: Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: May 10 2006, 04:06 am »
I kind of don't get it..............wait..............nope. .......its going to come to me soon.......
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