General Discussions > Anything goes...
Lets here your POEMS!!! hehe :D
~Namine~:
I am interested in seeing your poetry ^^ here is one I did for school, it was for a book called "To kill a mockingbird" here it is:
"Mirror of Darkness"
(To Kill a Mockingbird)
A hatred so deep, consuming our core being
spreading beyond to tose around us
we continue to move forward living in darkness
not knowing the fate that lies ahead
pushing what we know to be the truth away
we no longer realize the fate we have come to inherit
blaming the ones cursing their very existance
pointing fingers in the other direction
to those we consider not worthy
we go blinded by the influence of others
they become the fuel to our darkend path
we go unnoticed to even ourselves
we will soon come to realize our significant mistakes
our fate will bring fourth the truth and understanding
it will flash before our minds, far to late to change
but the ones we truely hate are infact ourselves
(P.S. ok sorry for all the spelling errors xD)
wishingstarx:
Another great poem! If you ever make a book, tell me! I would definitely buy one! :keke:
Ok, here's mine... :sweatdrop: It's kinda simple though...
As Time goes On... I had to change the title to make it fit...
As time goes on
and seasons change
as months go by
and the weeks end
Thru winter's change
Past summer's rain
The years slowly past us by....
As time goes by
and the earth begins to age
though water still resides here
the leaves blow away
Thru autumn's change
and the new life spring brings
as time goes on...
As hope keeps us going
and faith keeps us still
as time goes on...
:sweatdrop: So many errors here...
I'll post my other ones soon...
Ando:
Starphoenix, wishingstarx, both of you have written nice poems. I should try to give you some constructive criticism as I know how important receiving such is in order to develop as an artist, but I cannot think of too much at the moment, except that you should fix (the however few) spelling errors that occour in your texts, as that highly will improve the look of professonalism.
Starphoenix, about your Shadowed Emotions... In the beginning, you mention how the loved one of the poem's narrator is rejecting his/her feelings for said person, but the rest of the poem deals only with the narrator's emotions. Not that that is wrong, but if I were you, I should consider developing this person's feelings or maybe rewrite the first seven lines.
wishingstarx: I may be reading it the wrong way, but to me it seems that the first half of your As time goes on has a rhythm to it, whereas the following half lacks that (or maybe has a whole other rhythm). Is that intentional?
I am only trying to help, so please don't get upset or take it personally, and most important, if you don't like my suggestions and think I am totally off track, you should ignore them, as it is, after all, your poem.
I too will contribute with a little something to this nice thread. It is one of the most recent of my works and I first intended it to rhyme, but that did not work out very well. Feel free to criticise, offer suggestions or whatever, I will be happy for your help.
He comes to my house in the hour of wolves
Concealed by the wild roses’ shadows
Silent as water on nights with no wind
But I am awake and awaiting
“Hush, my beloved, say not a word
Just open thy window for me
None but the moon will behold this our tryst
And I shall be gone ere the dawnâ€
He speaks of the darkness and people he’s killed
Thus making me tremble with fright
Singing me songs of his ardour for death
A bloodthirsty lover I’ve got
“A beauteous creature thou art, little lamb
“Thy fears whet my hunger, dear boyâ€
He whispers to me and then kisses my neck
My memory’s blank after that
~Namine~:
--- Quote from: Ando on April 27 2006, 05:10 am ---Starphoenix, wishingstarx, both of you have written nice poems. I should try to give you some constructive criticism as I know how important receiving such is in order to develop as an artist, but I cannot think of too much at the moment, except that you should fix (the however few) spelling errors that occour in your texts, as that highly will improve the look of professonalism.
Starphoenix, about your Shadowed Emotions... In the beginning, you mention how the loved one of the poem's narrator is rejecting his/her feelings for said person, but the rest of the poem deals only with the narrator's emotions. Not that that is wrong, but if I were you, I should consider developing this person's feelings or maybe rewrite the first seven lines.
wishingstarx: I may be reading it the wrong way, but to me it seems that the first half of your As time goes on has a rhythm to it, whereas the following half lacks that (or maybe has a whole other rhythm). Is that intentional?
I am only trying to help, so please don't get upset or take it personally, and most important, if you don't like my suggestions and think I am totally off track, you should ignore them, as it is, after all, your poem.
I too will contribute with a little something to this nice thread. It is one of the most recent of my works and I first intended it to rhyme, but that did not work out very well. Feel free to criticise, offer suggestions or whatever, I will be happy for your help.
He comes to my house in the hour of wolves
Concealed by the wild roses’ shadows
Silent as water on nights with no wind
But I am awake and awaiting
“Hush, my beloved, say not a word
Just open thy window for me
None but the moon will behold this our tryst
And I shall be gone ere the dawnâ€
He speaks of the darkness and people he’s killed
Thus making me tremble with fright
Singing me songs of his ardour for death
A bloodthirsty lover I’ve got
“A beauteous creature thou art, little lamb
“Thy fears whet my hunger, dear boyâ€
He whispers to me and then kisses my neck
My memory’s blank after that
--- End quote ---
Hey thanks for the advice, I shall try and revise it ^^ and post the finished version again soon thanks so much!!!
wishingstarx:
--- Quote from: Ando on April 27 2006, 05:10 am ---Starphoenix, wishingstarx, both of you have written nice poems. I should try to give you some constructive criticism as I know how important receiving such is in order to develop as an artist, but I cannot think of too much at the moment, except that you should fix (the however few) spelling errors that occour in your texts, as that highly will improve the look of professonalism.
Starphoenix, about your Shadowed Emotions... In the beginning, you mention how the loved one of the poem's narrator is rejecting his/her feelings for said person, but the rest of the poem deals only with the narrator's emotions. Not that that is wrong, but if I were you, I should consider developing this person's feelings or maybe rewrite the first seven lines.
wishingstarx: I may be reading it the wrong way, but to me it seems that the first half of your As time goes on has a rhythm to it, whereas the following half lacks that (or maybe has a whole other rhythm). Is that intentional?
I am only trying to help, so please don't get upset or take it personally, and most important, if you don't like my suggestions and think I am totally off track, you should ignore them, as it is, after all, your poem.
I too will contribute with a little something to this nice thread. It is one of the most recent of my works and I first intended it to rhyme, but that did not work out very well. Feel free to criticise, offer suggestions or whatever, I will be happy for your help.
He comes to my house in the hour of wolves
Concealed by the wild roses’ shadows
Silent as water on nights with no wind
But I am awake and awaiting
“Hush, my beloved, say not a word
Just open thy window for me
None but the moon will behold this our tryst
And I shall be gone ere the dawnâ€
He speaks of the darkness and people he’s killed
Thus making me tremble with fright
Singing me songs of his ardour for death
A bloodthirsty lover I’ve got
“A beauteous creature thou art, little lamb
“Thy fears whet my hunger, dear boyâ€
He whispers to me and then kisses my neck
My memory’s blank after that
--- End quote ---
Okay, cool! Arigato, thanks for the advise! I see what you mean... I'll probably play around with it a little more, then I'll post up the finished version soon...
Umm.. Ando, I think your poem is okay...very mysterious and dark... It's kinda scary, but that's just me...You're very talented, too...
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