The lyrics are good, but no offense, it does need a different singer. A higher pitched voice at that. Nice effort though.
It's hard listening to Loop when it's not Maaya Sakamoto XP
I'm not saying I want an exact replicate of the Japanese singer, (that would be awesome) but if your voice doesn't fit it, I suggest you try to make it into your own version. Like how some singers make remakes of certain songs and they sound really good despite their voice differences. Cherry-Tiger's quite low, but I guess I can see why she wants a different singer so that she'll hear her song beautifully. Anyways when you're singing, just let your heart out and try not to reach those notes so hard.
As for Zeldi, seems like you're talking more than singing. But I'm looking forward to your second version.