Well, since we're bringing up FF Humour.
I've had this Fanfic on my computer for quite awhile. I don't know who wrote it, though (My brother tried to make me believe he wrote it. But he's always lying about crap like that.)
Maybe someone knows who wrote this?
--
Clouds' Story
"Avalanche, boy who the hell came up with that?" I thought to myself.
Anyway I flipped off the top of the train to the ground. I always did like looking cool. I looked down. Whoa there’s a dead dude here! Hey he’s got a potion. I looked around… nobody looking… I took the potion. Hey what can I say, my doctor said I’m a kleptomaniac, they don’t have a pill for that.
Okay so I started to run down the side of the train. Uh-oh some blue dudes are runnin’ at me.
Whoa what’s happening, things are beginning to swirl… Oh that’s means a battle scene, okay. I pulled out my sword.
"Let’s rock." I said. I ran over and slashed the left guy. He fizzled orange and disappeared…mmkay? You’ll never believe what the other dude did. He yelled out MACHINE GUN, and he fired at me. The bullets hit my shoulder pad.
"You bastard! No one touches my shoulder pad!" I jumped and slashed him and he disappeared too. He dropped some money so I took it…naturally.
I ran through a door and ran right into a dude.
"Whoa dude, watch it. Hey you used to be in soldier right? It ain’t everyday ya find one in avalanche." He said.
“Soldier, aren’t they the enemy?” A girl chimed in. “What in the hell is he doing in AVALANCHE?”
“Hold it, he used to be in soldier.” The guy replied. It’s at this point that I figured out that I don’t talk much for some reason.
“Didn’t catch your name.” He asked. WHOA DUDE there’s like a bunch of letters and stuff.
Uh I wonder if I move the finger to select… Whoops I hit delete! I don’t want people calling me Loud! Okay put finger on C and click, there we go.
“Cloud” I said. Whoa I didn’t even have to say that, my mouth just moved, it’s like programming magic!
“Oh. My name is-“ the man began.
“It doesn’t matter! Oh whoops I mean I don’t care what your name is because once this jobs over… I’m outta here.”
Whoa. I actually do talk.
“What da hell ya’ll doin!? I thought I told you never to move in a group!” Barret hissed.
“Remember to meet in front of the reactor!” As they all began to leave he turned to me.
“Ex- Soldier huh, I don’t trust ya!”
People can be so rude! Well for the thought of my own well-being, and that intimidating gun on his hand, I didn’t change his name, but I thought THE RUDE GUY! Might have been in order. He then told me something about running and Cancel buttons. How am I supposed to care what a guy who looks like Mr. T is talking about? I followed the guy down a couple hallways, when a dog and a blue dude attacked. I took care of their pansy asses, although the dog bit me for some numbers…?
I kept following them, and took a right. How come the fat dude seems to run faster than me?
We reached a locked door where Barret asked me if this was my first time. I told him no and gave him a “for example”. Then he said he didn’t mean “THAT” sort of first time. He meant in a reactor. I told him no and that I used to work for Shinra. He then gave me a long lecture on Mako Energy and why it’s earth caused or something. I really didn’t pay attention because I drank a 1-litre Mountain Dew on the train and I really had go. He then told me the other people’s names. I made a smart-*** remark and he insisted that he baby-sit me for awhile. Biggs and Jessie deciphered the codes on 2 doors and we were well on our way.
I ran over to an elevator. Jessie told me to pull a switch on the wall. On the way down on the elevator I could have sworn that someone grabbed my ***, but I couldn’t confirm this. Barret began to talk again and once again I didn’t pay any attention. I told him I just wanted to finish the job before the Roboguard’s came, because they can be bitches. Then Barret did this weird thing where he walked into me and disappeared. I left the elevator only to be confronted by 2 ray guns. I slashed off their barrels and continued. I had to run down like a million stairs or something before hitting the bottom.
In the next room Jessie told me how to go up and down a ladder. These people must think I’m a moronic, illiterate, piece of crap. Well, after taking my colleagues advice I climbed down the stairs, Ooohhhh, hard! At the bottom was a question mark thingy. I ran past it thinking it might hurt me.
Dammit another battle, am I the only one that thinks these things are randomly generated?
After walking down a long catwalk we reached a turning valve.
Barret asked me to set the bomb. It then occurred to me that I left the bomb in my other jumpsuit. Barret brought an extra one just in case. I then began to like see all red and this voice was like saying…
“Be careful, it’s more than just a reactor! You have so much to live for, imagine what it would be like without you!” That’s when I decided it’s a wonderful life. I set the bomb down. Then out of nowhere this giant scorpion thing came at us.
“Dude, this isn’t cool!” I said.
The thing Search Scoped me and locked me on target. I cast bolt on it to short-circuit it, while Barret shot at it. It hit me with it’s big *** tail and let me tell ya… IT HURT! I felt a tingly sensation. I screamed BRAVER for some reason and slashed the robot to hell.
While we all stood there waiting for something to happen I thought (Why don’t I continuously attack? I have to wait for my attack meter? Screw that!). It then put up it’s tail. I told Barret to hold off but like the good guy he is he attacked the damn thing! It shot out this high beam electrical laser.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZ Z!!!!!!!
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to have kids after that. As I laid there on the ground holding my, you know, Barret shot the thing dead on. It exploded and I managed to regain my balance.
We ran out of the place as fast as we could. I helped Jessie get her leg unstuck from something. Dammit how come all these NPCs (Non playable characters) can run faster than I can! Well we reached the outside of the reactor with 5 minutes left but the thing blew up as soon as we got out so I guess the timer thing meant nothing!
We all got out all right. Barret decided we should split up and meet at the Sector 8 station. I tried to ask Barret where that was but he said if it’s about the money to save it for later, this implying that I’m a hog who only thinks about money! I think of plenty of other things… I just can’t name any off the top of my head.
As I walked along the street a beautiful girl approached me. God I’d never seen anyone so beautiful. I decided to act cool.
“Excuse me, what happened?” She asked.
“Nothing…hey, listen…(I’m trying to act sensitive and stuff)… don’t see many flowers around here.”
“Oh these, would you like one, there only one gil?”
“Actually, do you have any cream that would make my balls stop hurting?”
“WHAT!?” She asked.
“Nothing! Yeah I’ll buy a flower”. Dammit! I’m a moron. Now she’ll never like me! I could hold her in my arms forever and never think another thought. She thanked me and walked on. I continued down the street until I came to an alley. Someone behind me yelled,
“Hey you there!” I turned to see blue dudes coming at me. I ran down the street. Pretty soon dudes were surrounding me. I only saw one option. Kick all their asses! But a train came below so I jumped on it instead. I crawled along the top of the train until I came to a door. I slid it open. I back-flipped into the train to come face to face with Barret. They all stood up.
“CLOUD!” They all screamed.
“Looks like I’m a little late.” I said smoothly. Barret then chewed me out, but you guessed it, I didn’t listen! Jessie wiped off my face and headed up the train.
As I moved up the train announcements could be heard over an intercom. I watched a hologram movie with Jessie on the Midgar Rail System. She explained to me about the ID check system and our fake ID’s. The red light flashed soon and our ID’s were checked. It’s a good thing they do it electronically and by numbers because the picture on mine was of a black dude. I tried to move up to first class but a guy in a red suit told me I was bothering the other passengers. Why is everyone so rude to me? Barret and I chatted awhile about the plate and Midgar.
The train pulled to a stop at the station and we all got off. Barret said to meet at the headquarters. I walked through a huge junkyard where I managed to step on some gum. I saw Barret throw people out of the bar across the town. I walked over to the bar and went in.
This little girl jumped off the counter screaming. “PAPA!” I guess Marlene is supposed to be Barret’s daughter. This is okay except for the fact that he isn’t white…?
To Be Continued.....
--
(although I've never seen anymore after this, haha).
Just thought I'd share. It's made me giggle over the years.
